He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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