Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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