I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
