even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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