I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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