are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
