I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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