good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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