umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
