You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize