i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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