i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i've created a new STD.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
