sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize