The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think my moral compass just broke
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
