I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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