i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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