FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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