I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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