Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This is the high leading the old right now
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
