I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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