I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize