You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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