On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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