drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
