Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
