You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize