My friends, they love my intelligence
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
