Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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