so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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