I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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