Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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