By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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