I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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