whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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