So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
