I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
