He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
