cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
