if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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