Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
