She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
