I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
