This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
