I just made out with a guy for $7.
I smell stomach acid.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
