be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
