I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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