My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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