I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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