They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
