I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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