that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
