turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
