glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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