dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
