handjob tips. give me some.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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