You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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