woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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