Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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